What I’ve Learned From My Daughter About Style
Before my daughter was born (more than 9 years ago now), I thought I would be one of those moms who really like to dress their kids in stylish outfits, buying toddler trench coats and tiny riding boots, pale yellow cashmere jumpers and cheerful sundresses. I mean, I love fashion and EVERYTHING looks nicer in miniature, it seemed inevitable. Turns out I can still surprise myself positively on occasion: I have been very relaxed about my daughter’s clothes from the beginning. For about 6 years I haven’t really had much hand in how she dresses.
From a very early age, she has picked out what she wants to wear to school or kindergarten and we mostly do the shopping together, with her in the lead. Sure, she is still restricted by the stores I decide to visit and I occasionally buy a warm jumper or a pair of tights that she needs, but this happens less and less. The point is that she is very much in charge of her own appearance.
She is obsessed with denim pinafore dresses, loves leggings but not trousers, tends to pair everything with trainers, but is occasionally distracted by sparkly shoes. She has a respectable bag collection, as she has to have her things at hand (from cuddly toys to the coin purse) and gets attached to her favourite clothes: there are a couple of skirts she loves that have gone from knee-length to something resembling a belt. She knows exactly what she likes and while I can often guess correctly whether she will approve of something, my success is far from guaranteed. This is largely because the things she loves do not constitute a “style”, they are just things she likes.
That has been a valuable lesson to me. Most of the style advice these days focusses on personal style, on a coherent point of view that, ideally, you’d be able to distil into a phrase or some key words. Capsule wardrobes are one manifestation of that basic principle, but the number of clothes isn’t really relevant. Even if you own thousands of pieces, they should still reflect the innermost you, be the expression of your style ideology, be it “intellectual rock chick” or “urban fairy with designer handbag fetish”. The same is true on the level of the outfit – even if your style varies, every individual look should convey a specific mood or concept and be carefully considered.
I’ve always admired my daughter’s approach to dressing. It’s difficult to describe without visual aids, but you could imagine a cross between Vivienne Westwood, Kate Moss and a very scruffy child. One memorable look included white leggings with pictures of various food items, a tulle skirt, a simple T-shirt, Nike trainers and a pink faux yak fur jacket worn with sunglasses and my silk scarf.
There is a word for this kind of dressing when adults do it – “eclectic”. The difference of course is that we design our outfits to look eclectic, so even if we are not going for a visually coherent look, it’s still very much a “look”. We intend this to seem haphazardly put together, while my daughter (and I’m sure many other children, I just don’t know them that well) simply wears the things she likes. And she wears them all (or several of them) at the same time, without much consideration to how they “go” together.
It took me some time to figure this out and while I don’t think we should all start dressing like children, the point is worth contemplating. I love engineering looks and constructing outfits, but there is a certain joy and freedom in dressing without too much thought (there is similar freedom, in a more austere version, in a uniform). Everything is so visually calculated these days that a little randomness and less worry about looking just so can only be healthy.
I don’t even dream about challenging the master, but on these photos is my tribute to my daughter’s way of dressing. In hindsight, this outfit is probably too childish to make the point well, as the aim is not to dress like a 9-year old, but to dress with freedom (the first outfit that was inspired by this train of thought was in fact completely different). Nevertheless, if you disregard the earmuffs and the lollipop, it does reflect what I had in mind. Especially because I planned to wear a different top, but it didn’t work out, so I had to improvise based on what H&M had available (trying very hard not to buy things only because I have a blog post in mind).
I’m not sure I’ve managed to be very clear or eloquent on this. What it boils down to, in addition to the fact that I love my daughter and think she is the best, is a certain reaction against everything (this blog included) being so tightly curated these days. I don’t think it’s evil, but it can be tiring and boring.
Golden leather skirt, shoes and ear muffs by Zara, blouse and knit by H&M (gifted by the brand) and I’ve forgotten where the tights are from. Images by Liina Jasmin, MUAH Grete Madisson.
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Ha ha, bravo to you and your daughter! I like the simple, easy cheerfulness of this pick-and-go style of dressing. This chimes nicely with your previous post about not de-cluttering in haste – lots of clearing-out advice is similarly restrictive and boring (only keep items which match other items, ditch anything unworn for 2 years etc). In a successful attempt to remove myself from the shop-clearout-shop cycle I haven’t given anything away in months, and have bought only a handful of items, most of which were very carefully considered. When I wanted to go shopping recently for lots of new things (because I still love shopping, sigh), I went instead to some charity shops – not to shop from them, but to see all the STUFF that people discard. It seriously flattened my desire to acquire anything new and helped to keep me away from that wasteful cycle.
Also, can I say here that I really appreciate the way you have marked off your blog self from your family self and have maintained your/their domestic privacy.
I have bought very little this year (by my standards, of course). I have just bought some spring clothes, but almost no skincare or makeup. I have therefore made a lot of progress with using up my stuff and it’s a nice feeling. It is also great for understanding how much I own: if I can go three months without anything new and still have plenty of product to use… While I love clearouts, my problem is exactly that it immediately inspires new purchases and I think this is very common. So I try to be a little bit more considerate and not make any hasty decisions, one way or another.
I would have in fact preferred to write the blog without having any pictures of myself either, but couldn’t figure out any other way to do the style content like I wanted to 🙂
No, I understood what you were trying to convey. The closest I’ve ever been to that carefree eclectic look was when I caught myself in the bathroom mirror and noticed that my bright orange hair towel matched pretty well with my light blue bathrobe. Of course, the fact that that outfit was never seen in public makes a difference, but ultimately it reaches the same idea of dressing for yourself, for your own pleasure.
To answer your previous question: I was born and raised here in Manila but lived abroad to attend college. Also, since you brought your daughter up in this post, maybe she’d like different grains like polenta and risotto? I know children like creamy food and if you’re short on ideas for the protein and veg parts of dinner, try changing up the starch?
Yes, it’s always best when it happens accidentally, but of course there aren’t many occasions in our lives where there is room for that sort of accidents. Also, I definitely think private occasions count!
Thank you for the risotto/polenta suggestion as well, she does indeed like rice in almost any format and polenta is a good idea, I haven’t made it a while.
I have so much love for this. I spent w recent School disco at my son’s school admiring all the outfits – such panache in these tiny people xxx
Thank you! The disco sounds like an excellent people-watching experience. Eat your heart out, NYFW!
I read every day, but haven’t commented in ages–thanks for brightening my days. This post made me laugh out loud and resonated with me. My kiddo’s wardrobe features lots of cats and Darth Vader–and I find myself really enjoying her expressing who growing sense of self through her “style.” She has encouraged me to “get the pink sneakers, mom–they are so cool” when I hesitated, thinking I should stick with my good ole black or gray (these were pink leather J Slides I ended up getting at Nordstrom). I took myself too seriously in my 20’s when I was working full time and going to grad school at night and lived in a sea of black, gray, and white. Now in my 40’s, I feel more comfortable wearing whatever I wish when a certain mood strikes. In a nutshell, my kid reminds me to have fun with fashion, like I did in the 80’s when I dressed up as Cyndi Lauper for Halloween. Have a lovely weekend!
Cats and Darth Vader sound like the building blocks of a perfect wardrobe! I think it’s natural to go through a more rigid phase when you’re a young woman who wants to be taken seriously. Also, when very busy, I tend to fall back on less adventurous stuff, although I have found ways to tackle that now. My kid – like yours – has been a good influence on my style, inspiring me to be more cheerful and to worry less. The only thing she isn’t progressive about is hair, she would love me to return to a longer cut🙂
I love happy dressing, and it seems your daughter has made it an art form. Long may your little one have the confidence to wear character leggings with tulle skirts and look divine doing it. May everyone who wants follow her excellent example. And me, I will no longer observe little girls in ballet tutus, sneakers, and denim jackets and wonder what their mothers were thinking. Instead, I will see the style mavens of the next decade!
I cannot claim your daughter’s level of insouciance, but I did recently buy a formal, highly structured jacket that makes me look a little like an airline pilot who has, for reasons of her own, strayed off the flight deck and into a lecture theatre. After my husband asked me where I’d left my peaked cap, I embroidered a smiling sun on one lapel and covered the other with sparkly, be-sequinned insect brooches, and wore it with a dark jeans, a white t-shirt and gold — and I do mean GOLD— brogues. It looked slightly random and muddled, but I enjoyed it and felt happy. Compared with your daughter’s level of attainment, mine was a poor effort at eclectic dressing, but it worked well enough. I might add a sparkly lollipop to the mix next time. On the back, perhaps.
Loved your post! Such a fun topic.
Thank you! And I think we both agree that we’ll never reach the level of mastery displayed by creative children, but we can make the effort in our own small way🙂 You seem to be doing very well! Also, I gave up on judging mothers basically as soon as I had a child myself. Of course, actual neglect or abuse are something different, but mismatched socks, traces of chocolate on the cheeks and seceretly and inaccurately painted hot pink nails are all signs of a good life to me now.